Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

– L. Frank Baum

And so it’s Friday again…! I’m currently enjoying self-time at home and sipping on some really tasty red wine (warmly recommend Ca’ Marrone Appassimento Organic Wine). From the outside everything seems fine and if anyone would ask, I would probably tell a lie and say I’m doing great but the truth is, I’m actually feeling quite blue. It’s a weird feeling, almost like anxiousness and it has started to really affect my overall being. It’s been bugging me for a longer time now and I’ve tried to push it away several times, but somehow the feeling keeps coming back and it’s almost like it’s getting stronger all the time. The thing is, I’ve realized now more clearly than ever, I don’t enjoy my daily work. At all.

When I started to study business administration almost six years ago, I had an ambitious vision of me working in a large company. This image was as clear in my head as it could be, and it also made me do some pretty drastic decisions back then. My hard work paid off and I got the job I was aiming for, only not exactly the position I was expecting. I knew I was stepping into big shoes, but luckily I didn’t know all the things I know today. I’m pretty sure I would’ve thanked no to this position in that case. I’ve learned so much during these years it’s almost impossible for me to understand. Me, being the worst person ever in maths back in school, am now working in large, several million euro projects, taking care of cost engineering, cost estimates and overall project control. Who would’ve guessed! Not me at least.

Somehow I’ve managed to get lost on the way. I’m wondering what actually took me to this place I’m in right now. Why am I feeling so anxious about my work? Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been out from my comfort zone for such a long time now and I’ve noticed it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse. I know it’s good to be challenged but I hate to feel out of control and lately I’ve had some pretty big things to handle and this has forced me to prioritize and I’ve not been able to do some things in the way I would prefer. That again has led to the fact that I feel guilt, the most unpleasant feeling.

I’ve already started seeking for answers, weighting different options, thinking and doing research. If there’s something I can learn from the past, it’s that I’ve been able to set goals and make them happen, so what could possibly stop me this time. The problem is I don’t know what I want (yet), but at least I can write these thoughts down and maybe it will somehow clear my head and let me free from some of my bad vibes.

I’m sorry for this reality check but I think most of us are struggling with these kind of things all over the world, and sometimes it can feel comforting knowing you’re not the only one. So this post is dedicated to all of you who are, as me, trying to figure out what to do next, awakening the dreams that were maybe once moved aside from something else and trusting that everything has a meaning in life. Try to keep positive!

I guess the vegan challenge was also one kind of stage for me trying to renew myself and let go of the old. It was an eyeopening experience. I learned so much, not only about vegan culture but also from myself. I can warmly recommend it to anyone. I will probably continue eating mostly plant based diet, but I will not turn all vegan, that’s for sure. I missed chocolate, cheese and butter (yes butter!) all too much!

Let’s make this weekend a good one despite the blues…

xx mybohem

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